Many people who read my blog are my close and personal friends or at the very least, people I know or once knew well. Most people who know me now, know that I was a surrogate mom recently and I just wanted to take a moment to talk about this “Triumph”. (Names are withheld)
I absolutely love the family who I was a surrogate for. The wife and mother is an amazing woman who believes in her faith. She is so caring and compassionate and I consider her to be a very close and personal friend (a sister in all perspectives). Her husband is quite the same as her and they have a great relationship. In addition, they have a little boy whom they are amazing parents to. When I thought about being her surrogate, I took all of these things into perspective and knew immediately that I wanted to help them any way I could.
(The whole process leading up the birth and now will be in detail in our book J )
Today she sent me a picture of Eli (I can’t not say his name). She sends me many and I am thankful for that because they live so far away. Eli was doing tummy time today and for the first time, he fell asleep on his tummy. The picture was so sweet and it made me smile instantly. I started to think back to when I first saw him…
…I remember it like it was yesterday. I drove to the hospital at 11pm. I remember getting there and being so relieved to be finally getting this big guy outta me. They hooked me up to IV’s and the very next morning I was wheeled into surgery. I remember being in this room, waiting to be taken into the operation room. I had to pee so badly and I asked the nurse if I could get up and go and she said no but brought me a bedpan. I had to go so bad! She put the bedpan under me and walked away. What was I supposed to do? Go? Right there in bed? I said no way. I couldn’t do it. I sat there for about ten minutes having to pee so badly but…I just couldn’t do it in my bed. (Thank you God for a catheter in the OR).
My anesthesiologist was amazing. He was so nice and during the whole procedure, he was always asking me how I was and rubbing my head. It really put me at ease. My doctor was amazing, telling me what he was doing step by step. The whole procedure lasted longer than I remembered with my boys. I was waiting and waiting for it to be over because I was starting to get scared, when all of a sudden I heard this great cry. It was so loud and so constant. Waa waaaa. Lol. I was so surprised to hear it at that moment that I burst into tears. I was shocked to hear him and to finally see him. He was immediately the most adorable creature I ever saw.
After everything, they wheeled me to recovery, then back to my room. I was there for a couple hours before my fiancé could come see me. He had to get the boys to school before he could come see me. He got there early. He got to see Eli and he was really worried about me seeing him. He was worried during the whole process that I would be super emotional or change my mind. Which I understand. However, he was so wrong. Eli’s dad arrived shortly after. I remember them wheeling Eli in and the look on his (Dad’s) face when he saw him for the first time. He looks surprised and somewhat scared. We took picture of him holding Eli for the first time. It was an amazing moment for me. To know that I had a part in his life was overwhelming to me. In a good way. After a while, he asked if I wanted to hold Eli and I said yes, of course. I had waited to hold or see him until dad got to see him first. That was important to me. When he handed Eli to me, I saw the apprehension on my fiancés face. But I could only focus on this perfect little baby boy who was placed I my arms. I held him, stared at him, and fell in love with him. I undid his blanket to see what his tiny body looked like. Perfect of course. He had long thin legs and the cutest little piggy toes. (I wanted to bite one off so I could keep it with me forever-Weeds) I quickly gave him back to his daddy and before he left, I had him take Eli back to the nursery.
Awhile later, he left and so did my fiancé. I was there, alone in the hospital room, and it was early in the evening. A new nurse came on and she wheeled Eli into my room an asked if I wanted to feed him. My brain was screaming “NOO” but my heart yelled, “Of course I do.” She handed him to me and walked away. I fed him, burped him, changed him, and stared at him. His features, his smell. I drank it all in. He fell asleep on my chest and I couldn’t move him. He layed there for almost three hours before I got so tired that I just had to put him back into his little crib thing. I called the nurse to take him back to the nursery.
The next morning Mom arrived (Eli’s mom) with her sister. It was a little awkward because when she walked in, Eli was sleeping on me. I felt bad because I didn’t want her to think I was making some motherly bond with him or to think I had changed my mind. She thought neither of course. Gosh, I tried so hard to act cool and not burst into tears when I saw her. I was so relieved that she was there. Finally, she got to meet her new little baby boy. It was so…incredible to see her hold him for the first time. Right away, she got to feed him and looking at her, she was a natural. He fit perfectly into her arms and was immensely content. I think he knew that his mommy was holding him. No, I knew he knew that.
During the whole hospital stay, I spent more time with little Eli than I wanted to. I was afraid to fall into love with him. But it was inevitable. Who wouldn’t? I fed him, burped him, changed him, talked to him, and slept with him. This may sound strange but…for those 4 days; it felt like he was my baby. I’m so happy that I got to spend that time with him. I couldn’t justify him staying in the nursery the whole time. I think he needed me to love him while his mommy and daddy couldn’t be there. I at least know this…He will always know who his Auntie Sam is. He will know that I loved/love him. I remember holding him one night and watching episodes of Weeds on Hulu. I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t have the heart to put him down so, I just kept watching TV.
The last day at the hospital was the hardest day. I remember mom getting Eli dressed to go and packing up all of our things. It was a sad day because we were going so far away from each other. It was a happy day because it was truly the day that Eli left to be a part of the family he was made to be a part of. I have to admit, I was sad. I didn’t want to leave the hospital. I was fine though. I put on my big girl panties and got all my stuff together to go home…We walked down to the cars…I was still fine…We hugged, kissed, and said our goodbyes, we got into our cars…I was still fine. I remember that they were driving in front of us. I was looking through their back window, “mom” was driving, and her sister was in the back seat with Eli. I remember seeing the top of Eli’s car seat and when I realized that was what I was looking at, I lost it. I just started crying and crying. The thing is, it was not a sad cry. It was totally a happy cry. I was happy that he was finally going home to meet his big brother and his family and to be settled in his new life and home. I didn’t, nor do I, regret anything. I just missed him. Part of me wanted to be back in the hospital. Part of me couldn’t wait to get home.
Once I was home, all I wanted to do was to see my boys. I got all comfortable on the couch. It was still hard to get around because of the surgery. I got all ready and my fiancé went to get the boys. They were so happy to see me an I cried like a baby to see them. I forgot how much I missed them and just wanted to hug them so tight and never leave their sight again. For the first week, it was hard. I battled not being pregnant, missing Eli, and wanting to be back at the hospital. Eli’s mom started to send me pictures all the time and that made me feel GREAT. It was nice to see Eli at home and integrated into his family and to see everyone around him and loving him. It really helped me to relax and sort of accept everything.
Now, looking back. It was the most amazing experience ever. I feel fantastic about everything. I talk to my best friend (Eli’s mom), whom I consider a sister to me, nearly every day. We exchange pictures and talk about our daily lives. It is nice to know that she is only a phone call or a few finger taps of the keys away. I talk about them often and think about them daily. It is such a remarkable feeling to know that I am part of someone’s life in such a unique way. I feel really good about myself and If I had to turn back time, I would ABSOLUTELY do it again…only for them though!
What I didn’t think about before was how hard it must have been for them to trust me with their baby’s life. To take care of him and put all of my care and love into him. They had to trust that I wouldn’t change my mind and that I would stick to what I said. Yes, they were amazing and they did great with the astonishingly hard wait and with trusting that I would take care of their little boy.
I love what I did and what I was a part of. For those of you who know me. Don’t feel bad to ask me a question. Don’t feel that you will upset me or put me in a “mood”. You won’t. I love talking about everything and answering questions. If my experience would encourage someone else to help another person out with the gift of a baby to complete a family, then I feel great. There is not one bad thing I have to say about anything I have been through. I love it and it is a part of who I am. They got a new baby that day…I adopted a whole family though. I know how blessed I am and I thank God every day for the opportunity and for giving me this newfound connection with the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. With my boys and my family,…I now feel complete!
