The Single Life...

So, I mentioned to my friends that a new blog post was coming about what it means to be single and as I stayed up late the last few nights thinking about it…I have no idea what being single means. I know what it means to ME but I’m sure that my contortion of the definition of the word is by no way accurate to what it should mean.

So far, being single has been somewhat lonely. Of course, I have my boys that keep me busy and occupy my free time and I have to say, I love that! It seems that my “single life” is all about being a mother, busting my hump at work, doing schoolwork, and cleaning. Any free time I get is spent mindlessly browsing Facebook, reading other people’s happenings. It is lonely. I’ve had a significant other for the past 15 years of my life, nonstop. It was as if I jumped from one failed relationship into another, and it’s not that I want a relationship right now. Quite the opposite actually. I could list a plethora of things that I “miss” but really, those things are just ideas of what I wish I had. A companion. Someone to confide in and appeal to. Someone appealing to me. For so many years, I have been in this relationship struggle that consisted of nothing desirable or intimate but rather degrading and fraudulent. I miss the things I never had and that is what makes this time so lonely. There is this part of me that wants to find someone to fill the lonely times but I have to confess, those lonely times only come at night when the kids are asleep and I’m up by myself. I feel so isolated, deserted, and cut off from humanity. In these moments, I’m solitary. Abundantly hollow and thoughtless.

When I think of being single, I think of freedom. Yes, I can go to the store without an accusation or fight. I can give googley eyes to some stranger I think is stunning. I can give the guy at church my phone number. I can have male friendships. I can call up that old “friend” at 2AM…I can make my own decisions whether they are good or bad. The choice is mine. I like that.

Now, I’m not saying that being single means whoring around but come on, everyone wants companionship at some point, be it lasting or temporary. What is so wrong with that? It’s liberating. Its like eating a ham sandwich every day for years and years and one day, a pastrami on rye comes along and it looks so delicious an smells so good. Well, if you’re out of ham (single), why not have some of that pastrami? You don’t have to commit to eating the whole damn sandwich but nobody ever said that there was anything wrong with eating half of it. Eat what you want and put the rest aside for later. Who knows, you may want more later. I’m not looking for a different kind of ham. I want the “partner in life” kind of sandwich. The Philly cheese steak of relationships. But now that the ham is gone, the pastrami will certainly do for now. Do you catch my drift or is my food metaphor just a rambling of my hungry stomach making me not make any sense at all right now? Anyway, I’m just saying that there is no reason to live life like a nun or a monk just because you don’t have anyone specific in your line of sight.

Being single isn’t bad. It’s just a state of being. I guess it means something different to everyone. It has helped me gain independence and a sense of self. It surely revealed a different side of me that I was never sure was there. It revealed a girl who is sure of herself and knows what she wants and is determined to get what she wants. I care less about what other people think and more about how I perceive myself. Being single helped me to understand ME. So far, it has helped me realize that I DO know what I want, eventually. Right now, I’m content being single and free. Uncontrolled and lively. I’m content calling that guy from my past up at 2AM on some random night…to help me clean my kitchen or fold laundry. I’m content having open options. I’m content being single. Be it lonesome or not, it’s fun and unhampering. I can capture small moments of life that I couldn’t before. It’s deliverance into a new state of being. The feeling IS of seclusion and informality but it’s a feeling that one needs to learn to cope with and manage.

Being single isn’t bad. I embrace it. Sovereignty without lies. I don’t want it all right now. I need nothing but what I have at this very moment, my two little boys who lay sleeping beside me. I have no need for any of my “wants”. I am satisfied and grateful for the minimal entities that I have. Which reminds me of a Socrates quote I read years ago that stuck with me……

Worthless people live only to eat and drink; People of worth eat and drink only to live.

Which to me translates to…I need only what I have because I’m happy and alive. I eat and drink only to live and lead a happy life.